Looking for love in all the wrong places. Yes, that's from where my depression began. It was the 80's and we were in what I believe to be the second go round of free love. Riding piggy back on the decade of the 60's. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll.
I had always had an uncommon obsession with relationships. In high school while my classmates were deciding futures of college placements or corporate standings, I wanted to be a wife and mother. I wanted to fall in love, have a strong and healthy family and live in a beautiful house.
I adored romance. With all the unbridled passion of a heated novel. That's all I thought about, that's all I dreamed about. And that's what I searched for.
Right after high school I dated a guy who went to a rival school. But I believed his heart was always with his high school sweetheart and even though we were together for awhile we sort of weren't a couple. I felt I always had to fight the memory of her to be with him. At some point we became on-again-off-again lovers and at a Christmas party I was put in a position to have to make a decision between continuing whatever it was we had or to begin a relationship with another guy who was very much interested in me. I still thought we had something, so I chose him. To this day I think of that moment as the Sliding Door event of my life. I truly believe that if I had chosen the other guy I would have had the love that I was so yearning for.
I had never even fathomed the idea that I would not be married by my thirties, by my forties, by my fifties. So in my twenties I loved freely, searching for my prince, which led to me kissing a lot of frogs.
With each kiss, with each intimate touch, I'd hoped that this one would be the one. But one by one they dropped like flies. One night stands were what they were supposed to be but those that remained and lingered eventually did defect, only to learn later that their defection involved other women. A couple of them are still married today to the women they left me for. Interesting.
The 80's were a fun and turbulent time for me. I went through a season of homelessness where I had been put out on the street with nowhere to go and nothing but the clothes on my back. I eventually found a job that was demanding and stressful but fast living left me in debt and lonely. I felt like I had nothing.
I met a guy who was what and who I had been looking for. He was a dream boat from England, he had long, thick hair, and was sexy as hell. We dated for about ten months and then with no word he ended it. He had met someone else and it was over between us.
With my life already in shambles, to me, this was devastating.
I went on a downward spiral of anger and sadness and pity. I was sinking. My mind was cloudy and hectic and weak. I couldn't function. I had to leave work and go out on disability. I was numb.
My road to recovery had me leaving Hollywood and going back home to Detroit. I stayed with my father and that was the beginning of my healing.
So I thought.
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